Marcus' Day

My name is Marcus.

I got up this morning and ate whatever the hell I wanted to. I always dress this way. I would look nicer in other clothes but sweat pants are more comfortable than other pants and these plastic slipper things let my feet breathe. Before I leave the house I kiss my cat goodbye. He's the only one I don't dislike.

When I walk outside into my yard there's a broken piece of tree on my sidewalk. I don't want it so I throw it over the fence. My neighbor's too much of an idiot to ever say anything to me about it.

I get in my car. When I'm driving there are a lot of morons who get in my way so I pass them and honk as much as possible. I cut three people off on the way to the interstate and shave almost 15 seconds off my trip.

These ramps are loops. The interstate exit ramps continue to form the on-ramps in one continuous lane. I like this because as I approach, I see people leaving the interstate who want to get out of that lane. I drive right next to them so they can't leave. Every once in a while instead of hitting their breaks, the driver panics and tries to speed up ahead of me. When that happens, I speed up too. Sometimes I can stay next to them so long that they're forced back onto the interstate. I got a woman do to that this morning and it really brightened up the trip. She honked her horn in anger as she sailed back onto the interstate

I got to the Goodwill I grabbed one of the big push-carts. It let me block multiple aisles at the same time. Since I wasn't looking to buy anything in particular, I put random clothes in the carts and then leave them in the middle of the shoe section.

I walked in front of people when they're looking at jeans. I'm too fat to fit into a 36, but I browsed them anyway while the woman I blocked waits. How long will she stand there hoping I'll move? Let's find out.

I don't like watching movies, but the DVD section is very small and very popular. I got there and bent over right in front of everyone waiting to read the labels. Often I like to use my cart as a prop here and leave it front of the movies while I look at my phone or read the back of a book or pretend to fall asleep. This lets people see the movie they want through the spokes of the cart, but they're not to reach it.

Suddenly I desired a new pair of sweat pants. I left my cart in the middle of the checkout area and made a bee line for the pants aisle. I managed to bump into eight people on the way. My favorite color is purple but they only had blue. I was about to start taking sweat pants off the rack to drop them on the floor when I saw the perfect pair of purple sweatpants in someone else's cart. They were a red tag but today was a green tag day. I had to switch the tags with a different pair of pants to get a cheaper price.

I saved $1.40 and spent 13 minutes arguing with the cashier about politics. I'm not actually interested in politics, but I forward a lot of chain e-mails to all my relatives and those are sometimes about politicians. That plus naked women and photoshopped car accidents. I scan them for viruses before I send them out - that way I know when I've sent out a good one.

Faulkner missed me. That's the name of my cat. I fed him and ordered pizza for my neighbor's address. I've done this enough that my neighbor knows to send the delivery guy to my house when he arrives. Tonight I timed it just right, though, so he had to get up from the dinner table to answer the door. That reminds me, he should be over tomorrow to deliver my mail.

I use his address a lot.